Allowing Your Motherhood to Blossom
Reflections on Lent, Memory & Creating Despite Perfectionism
Long time no talk! The load of work and motherhood and housewife things have been heavy lately: we went through the norovirus as a family, the girls both are going through sleep regressions and we’ve had a lot of shifts at the law firm. Thankfully the weather is getting warmer, we’re finding new ways of sleeping (Rosie has been sleeping in our bed) and God was good in placing me in a time period where I can give my 2-year-old Motrin for her tooth pain.
I had a fruitful conversation with my counselor, Barry, a couple of weeks ago about young motherhood. Rosie turns three in a couple of weeks so it has me contemplating what my motherhood journey has been so far. I told Barry that I still felt a crushing weight around motherhood that I thought would be lifted by now. I have a tendency towards perfectionism which carries over to my daily interactions with my girls. Every diaper changed, word of affirmation, act of discipline, or meal time turns into a scorecard measuring my ability to mother them. “Was I too harsh with them or too passive? Do they feel loved and connect to me? Did they have way too much screen time today? (They probably did).”
I think part of this is normal and tied to personality. I think part of it is generational (you can’t tell me my grandmother who was in survival mode with three under three agonized over the idea of perfecting “gentle parenting”).
But I don’t think this is what the Lord wants for me. For any of us. To feel constantly crushed under the weight of our own, or others, ideals. Living under a magnifying glass of judgment.
The connection of “memory” and “creation” has been a theme of my spirituality since college. Yesterday Jody Benson in her Substack shared a quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:
“Perhaps creating something is nothing but an act of profound remembrance.”
Barry reminded me of my own creature-ness. That I am constantly being created by the Creator. For over a decade now I’ve struggled to remember this. And I realize now that it’s when I forget this truth that my own creative acts, in this instance mothering, become strained. Placing my motherhood under relentless surveillance does not allow for me to receive myself from my Creator. In actuality, I cut myself off from Him. I narrow the playing field. How can I create life in my home when I’m not open to receiving my own life?
The image that came to mind was a small flower bloom, barely an inch from the ground. This bloom represented my motherhood. And every time that it tried to grow, I stomped on it with my foot or suffocated it with my fist. I’m fighting a daily temptation to extinguish this flower before it can even show its first signs of a bud. Receiving requires vulnerability. Can I trust my Creator? Can I trust myself?
This Lent has been a reminder that no matter what intentions I have for this season (Give up all sweets! No unnecessary shopping!) these restrictions are superfluous to the real work which is opening our hearts to the lessons the Lord desires for us to grow into. The idea of entrusting my motherhood to Him, is terrifying. This is not something I was aware of two months ago. I’m grateful for a God who is willing to be so patient with us and slowly yet persistently bring our hearts closer to His.
What unexpected lessons are you learning this Lent?
Things I Loved This Week:
This podcast episode on intensive motherhood was so so good. I’ve been a fan of Dr. Cassidy and her “Holding Space” podcast for years now. She interviews Erica Djossa, whose book titled “Releasing the Motherload: How to Carry Less and Enjoy Motherhood More” will be released April 9th.
I bought the girls these pajamas for Valentine’s Day and they are SO OBSESSED that I bought two more pairs for them for Easter.
I just restocked my Clarin’s Double Serum and it is bringing my skin back to life these (hopefully) last few weeks of winter.
That’s it for now!
xoxo Elise